It's Okay to Be Bad

Are you the type of person who tends to blame yourself when something bad happens? That you should’ve done better? That you could’ve done better? 

Or have you ever gotten trapped in a loop where, no matter what you do, it’s never enough? Even after giving your all, trying to improve yourself every time, and understanding what is expected of you? To the point where you break down, thinking it was already your best work and you might collapse if you went any further? 

Or do you, behind those smiles, laughter, and A+ performances, feel empty inside? So afraid of hoping because you know bad things will happen again? Because there is no point in being happy now if you’ll feel sad again later? 

Or have you ever been treated so badly, despite everything you’ve done, that you thought, “I’m the one who hates myself the most, yet I would never do this to myself”? 

Here’s a tip for you: stop. Trying. So. Hard. 

You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t always have to do your best. You don’t always have to gain others’ approval. Bad things can happen every now and then, and you can’t blame yourself every time. 

You do not have to be good.

Source: Pinterest

Yup, “you don’t have to be good.” 

That’s what’s written on the back cover of this book titled “Be Bad, Better: How Not Trying So Hard Will Set You Free.”

Reading the title alone was enough to catch my attention. But that one sentence, along with the rest of the book blurb, convinced me that I should buy the book. Now, I’ve read more than half of it, and I LOVE it. 

Written by Rebecca Seal, this book explores how what we think of as “bad” is actually good—from “bad” actions to “bad” emotions, like “being lazy,” “looking old,” or “feeling sad.” And it’s not just paragraphs filled with opinions to justify and validate our “bad” traits; she even includes expert interviews and research journals to support her points.

Source: Goodreads

There are so many reasons why I love the book. For example, the way it discusses situations I can relate to, as well as how it enlightens me about things I didn’t realize before. However, just listing all the plus points like this might come across as boring because it would be nothing but description after description. 

So, why don’t we look at some of my favorite lines from the book and see if they resonate with you?

Disclaimer: the book consists of 3 parts: Doing Bad, Looking Bad, and Being Bad. The lines I’m about to quote are the ones from the first part (because I’m still at the 2nd part right now), so these quotes will only have something to do with how it is okay to “be rested”, “be disconnected”, “be mindless”, etc.

Enjoy!

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“…If we focus so much on visibility, on the presentation of what we are working so hard to achieve, then actually the achievement itself becomes hollow, because we’re doing that work for the sake of visibility and affirmation, as opposed to the human work of just being a person.

[Cultivate the grounded belief that]: I’m a person who deserves to function and to have a sense of communion with the community of humans as a whole; I want to treat people with respect because I like getting respect; I like the person I am at the end of the day when I know that I’ve done my best to not harm people; and I know that there’s a loot of good to be done, but that a person can’t do all the good things all the time…”

“…How do we make it possible for ourselves to decide we don’t need to do everything and to embrace laziness or rest, however we choose to define it.

…It’s to ask ourselves, ‘What matters to me – not in a selfish way, not in a way that is dismissing the other people in my life, but in an identity-value way, in a way that is for me, not for other people.

This is not easy… To step out of that and say, actually, this or that doesn’t matter to me, is risky, and can be socially uncomfortable…

Even if it’s hard, it’s surely harder to try to think about all the things, and to do all the things, all the time…

Giving up on doing everything isn’t mad. It’s sensible. Laziness – if it’s exists at all – isn’t bad.”

“…If the only way we can convince ourselves to rest is so that we can work harder, then we’ve barely fixed a quarter of the problem.

We’re still not granting ourselves the absolute right to rest, nor are we able to accept that rest is OK just because it’s both nice and something that humans need simply to survive.

Instead, because busy-ness has higher social status than being well rested, we justify our need to rest by telling ourselves it will make our busy times even more productive.

It’s often easier to see someone else looking tired or run-down and to offer them a break than it is to do the same for ourselves. In truth, we don’t need a reason or an excuse to rest, and rest doesn’t need to result in anything but rest…”

“Most of us already know we should use our phone less, but the thing that sucks us back is often what feels like an urgent need to reply to people. The pressure is all in our heads…

I mean, I don’t notice that people don’t reply till the next day, or a few days later. The urgency is only in my head. I don’t project the urgency onto anyone else’s behaviour…”

“We do not have to be on, all the time. Like in so much of the rest of our lives, we are being reprogrammed for immediacy and for shallow pleasure, but we can resist, if we really try.”

“We can’t only be selfish – that would end badly – but never being selfish is almost as bad. Not saying what we want or need means we never get what we want or need (no one is trying to read our minds), and in the worst cases we build up a simmering cauldron of resentment, ready to flip its lid off at the least appropriate moment… We think we are being selfless, when actually we are draining ourselves to the dregs. At some point, we will end up with nothing left to give, whether that means screaming at your family or burning out at work.”

“…Mind-wandering – letting your brain trundle off wherever it fancies – is also valuable, allowing our brains to get creative and shift into a problem-solving mode, without us even noticing. Mind-wandering can also boost our mood…”

“…’If you have too much to do, it seems obvious that the best thing to do is to get things you have to be done quicker and in less time, so that you can pack more in, and to try to get certain tasks that are just really annoying out of your life entirely. If you could eliminate the tedious stuff and speed up the other stuff, then it feels like you might get to this point where you were, finally, doing all the things.’ But doing all the things just means more things arrive… It’s not a wise tactic to try to get through it all quicker, with efficiency techniques, because you’ll generate more tasks…”

“My emotional life was as connected to my work life as it would have been to a partner… But feeling that way about work is really unhealthy, even though it’s generally considered quite normal”

“When we identify strongly with our work, we experience higher stress, lower resilience, lower levels of general well-being and a higher likelihood of burnout, depression, anxiety and insomnia”

For sure, it’s nice to do fulfilling work, but if yours isn’t fulfilling, that’s totally normal. Most jobs are somewhat boring, somewhat interesting, somewhat rewarding and somewhat frustrating. This is not the kind of thing that should arouse ‘a very powerful feeling’…”

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Epilog:

When I decided to buy this book, I was in a situation where I could say yes to the questions asked in the introduction of this blog post. But I’m perfectly fine now, hehe, don’t worry! The book helped me a lot during those times, and it’s still an amazing read even today.

What I’m trying to convey by recommending this book is that you should know it’s okay not to be perfect, especially if striving for perfection only leads to a fear of what will happen if you’re not. It’s okay not to be complimented all the time. It’s okay not to be able to do everything. It’s okay not to respond right away or be on your phone all the time. It’s okay to stand up for yourself. It’s okay not to finish your to-dos quickly.

It’s okay to be “bad” sometimes.