I Used to Love This Book, but…

perkymoonlight
Feb 27, 2023
4 min read

Updated: Feb 28, 2023

Blog post about people and how they change. A realization gained from my feelings toward a book that used to give me a sense of comfort.

There is this book I bought last year. An essay poetry type of book titled A Little Star Still Shines Brightly. The actual title is 작은별이지만 빛나고 있어. It’s a Korean book written by author named So Yoon, but translated to Bahasa Indonesia by Gitta Ananda Lestari.

I bought it because I was really captivated by the blurb (I found this term just now. Blurb is “the short yet descriptive account of the book that goes on the back cover (which) include any information that represents the book best and intrigues the readers”. Thanks Editage.com). On the front cover, they wrote things like, “life isn’t always burdensome and tiring. There are times when you shine like a star”. Meanwhile on the back cover, written a short yet soothing poem and a paragraph that talks about the book, including the author’s message about how “we’ve done the best to survive this far”. I believe you can already imagine what kind of book this one is.

Menjadi Lebih Baik by So Yoon

“Kau sudah berjalan dengan baik

Jalan apa pun yang kau lalui

Jika kau tidak menyerah

Kau pasti bisa menjalaninya

Meskipun berhenti sesaat

Meskipun berjalan perlahan

Kau pasti bisa menjalaninya

Karena itulah proses bernapas

Untuk menuju jalan yang lebih jauh

Karena itulah proses menemukan

Kecepatanmu sendiri

Bukan orang lain,

Tapi proses membuat dirimu sendiri

Berhati-hati pun tidak apa-apa

Berjalan perlahan pun tidak apa-apa

Karena itu, jangan berkecil hati

Sekarang kita,

Sedang berjalan dengan baik”

Translation by Gitta Ananda Lestari

I’m not a huge fan of poems myself. I’ve seen books like Milk and Honey, Love Her Wild, and some of the other similar books we can find at bookstore. But haven’t really triggered to purchase one. I know some friends who truly like that genre and they’re really into it. Not me though. However, maybe because I like to enjoy K-cultural products, I find calming messages that these K-cultural products delivered as interesting. You know. Monologues said by drama characters. Comforting things our favorite idols tell their fans. Including some book quotes that make we wonder, “how can they arrange their words like that?” or “how can they say such a beautiful thing?”. Expression we (or at least me) don’t often use in daily life but is actually needed. That is why I decided to get this book. In addition to how lovely the book seemed to be.

And I was right. A Little Star Still Shines Brightly consists of so many essay poems that make us feel patted or even hugged. Relatable stories about struggle, hard times, or heartbreak that make us feel understood. Reassurances that make us feel that, despite all those things, everything is going to be okay. It’s such a relaxing reading. Feel good piece that I read before I start my day so I would feel great. I even marked my favorite poems, with the intention to share it one day.

Baik dan Buruk by So Yoon

“…..

…..

Inilah hidup yang tidak berjalan sesuai keinginanku, lantas mengapa aku bimbang dan bingung menjalaninya? Bahkan jika dikatakan bahwa hidupku seperti yang kuinginkan, apakah ada perbedaan? ….. Siapa tahu kehidupan yang tidak sesuai dengan keinginan malah menguntungkan untukku. Aku bertanya-tanya apakah ada perbedaan besar antara kehidupan yang sesuai keinginan dengan yang tidak.

Karena dengan memiliki masalah dan memikirkannya tidak akan mengubah dunia sepenuhnya.

Karena kehidupan dibentuk dari kumpulan hari-hari yang baik dan buruk.

Sekarang aku berpikir hari yang baik maupun buruk patut disyukuri.

Karena inilah hidup yang terkadang berjalan tidak sesuai dengan keinginan kita, berpikirlah seperti itu, hatimu akan merasa tenang.”

Translation by Gitta Ananda Lestari

However, people change.

I used to love this book, but not anymore.

I bought A Little Star Still Shines Brightly around May 2022. I didn’t remember the state I was in during that time, so I checked my old planner and my social media post. It was the time when I just finished all my graduation documents. Happy moments, Alhamdulillah. But I also found some not-so-happy moments that make me realize the reason why I saw that warm and sweet book as something so perfect. Very suitable with my condition at that time. I needed it.

Until a few months ago, I cringe when I read the book.

It took me so long to finish the book because I want to save it when I need it. The first months I read it, I felt delighted. But not anymore the time I reached the last pages. I started to think that the book is too… soft. I even thought, “why so pathetic and weak? Life is not that awful. Come on, just work for it!” when I read some of the pages.

Then I realized, it wasn’t the book or the author or the translator’s fault. It was me. I changed.

When I bought the book, until months after, I liked to get a rather chill consolation. Things like, “that’s okay”, “you’ve worked hard”, or “good job”. Word that feels like a hug or a pat on the back. That’s why such soothing, relaxing, and lovely book was my cup of tea. However, although I don’t know when was the turning point, I reached the state where I needed a push instead. Things that can motivate me to get up and move. A smack instead of a pet. Which explains why that perfect book doesn’t suit me anymore.

Does it mean the book is bad? No. A Little Star Still Shines Brightly book is actually that good. Just because it’s not my favorite now, doesn’t mean it’s bad for everyone, right? In fact, I totally recommend it if you need some consolation.

Aku Ingin Menyerah by So Yoon

“Akhir-akhir ini aku menyadari bahwa hidup dengan normal ternyata sulit….. Itu hal yang wajar terjadi meskipun kita sudah bekerja keras tanpa lelah untuk bertahan hidup.

Bukan untuk mewujudkan sesuatu yang luar biasa, bukan juga untuk memperoleh hal yang besar….. Tetapi sekarang aku merasa lelah bahkan untuk mengharapkan hal yang biasa saja.

Siapa pun bisa mengatakan hal ini, “Banyak orang yang lebih susah darimu dan banyak orang yang kelaparan.” Semua orang pasti menganggap dirinyalah yang paling kesusahan. Meremehkan atau menilai situasi orang lain sebelum benar-benar melihat situasi mereka yang sebenarnya adalah hal yang sangat berbahaya.

Aku sudah berusaha keras dalam hidup. Aku sudah lebih menghargai diri sendiri dan melakukan yang terbaik Tetapi mengapa tidak ada yang menjadi lebih baik? Mengapa aku tidak terlihat lebih baik? …..

Suatu saat mungkin aku sudah tidak bisa bertahan lagi. Pasti ada saat di mana aku tidak sanggup lagi bernapas dan dada terasa sesak. Karena itu, diperlakukan waktu untuk bernapas sejenak. Diperlukan hal yang bisa membuatku bertahan dan hal yang bisa membuatku dihargai.

Jika seseorang mengatakannya padaku

Bahwa sekarang adalah saat yang paling bersinar

Bahwa saatku bertahan adalah saat yang paling mengagumkan

Bahwa beristirahat sejenak itu hal yang wajar"

Translation by Gitta Ananda Lestari

Alright, now!

It sounds simple, huh? Story of a girl who stops loving a book. But as I’m writing this, I learn something: that’s just what life is.

When we think about how people change, maybe we think about major changes. Physical appearance, our feelings toward others, belief, etc. Changes that would take a lot of time to occur. Changes which effect is huge, that other people start to notice or even say, “you’ve changed…” with that cliché, full of disappointment tone we often hear in movies. But turns out, those changes can also be so small and happen so quickly that we don't notice them. Next thing we know, we no longer watch those YouTube videos we used to derive pleasure from. We no longer like our gadget background. Or maybe that "change" could also means we return to who we were before the switch occurred in the first place. It happens, just like that.

And sometimes we feel bad about it (I know I spend quite a time feeling bad about how I’ve changed), although it’s actually not a mistake we should feel bad about.